I believe that if someone asked the people closest to me to describe me using 3-5 words, one of those words would be dependable. I have always been the person people could count on. I am the dependable daughter, dependable sister, dependable friend, and dependable employee. I do not like letting people down. I want to be the person that people can count on. For the longest time, I thought this quality was so positive and it was an honor to be described in this way. However, as of late, I have come to learn that being dependable has its drawbacks. 

I hate feeling like I am letting people down. I don’t want people to feel like they cannot count on me. But recently, I have noticed that not wanting to disappoint people has often led me to my own detriment. I have said yes to things, even though I know that deep down inside I did not want to do those things. I have put myself in compromising positions because I did not want to let people down. I have given more than I could afford because I was the one the one people could count on. Doing these things despite how I felt or what is my reality has caused me some hurt and pain. I am left depleted and exhausted because I am so determined to be what everyone needs. I have neglected myself in the process. 

For the last few weeks, I have been struggling. I have been withdrawn, agitated, absentminded, and apathetic. I have also struggled with motivation with day-to-day tasks. I am fatigued not taking care of myself. I couldn’t understand why I have been feeling this way. I have been through a lot of challenging times over the last few months, some personal and some professional, but because I do not want to disappoint people, I have neglected my own needs. Neglecting myself has led me to mental and physical exhaustion, and burnout. I have shown up to work even when I am sick. I have given my last. I have put the needs of others first even when I know I was hurting and in pain. I have been there for others and did not cry out for myself. I have stayed in situations too long because I was worried about the other person. 

I can no longer live like this. I want to be a dependable person, but it does not have to define me. The decisions I make cannot be centered around what other people think or not letting people down. There is so much more to me than that one word. I must learn to prioritize my needs too. 

What defines Nadia? I am a child of the most high God. I am the head and not the tail. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am the apple of God’s eye. I am because He is. 

What defines you?

Be blessed.